As a pastor, I work the weekends, so Friday is the one day of the week I have free.  After I send the kids to school and my wife heads off to her daily projects, I have the run of the place.  So today, in the quiet of my sanctum, with a free morning, I decided to replace the kitchen faucet.

My wife had purchased a faucet of her choosing, which for some reason was a touch-activated type, and thus had an added electronic component located alongside the normal irritating combination of pipes, connectors, rust, and leaks which must be assembled in a place that a yoga instructor couldn’t get to.  I assume she did this for either of the two usual reasons – that she found this one on sale, or that I have done something to anger her.

I regularly tell my congregation that if they sin, they should confess, both as a spiritual exercise that rights their relationship with God and as a therapeutic way of owning up and moving on.  As a consequence, I feel it only appropriate that I model the behaviors I teach, if only in a small way on this blog that hardly anyone reads.

Because I was alone this morning, I said aloud a number of things about a number of people who have done me no wrong, and who really deserve more respect.  Therefore, I would like to apologize to, in no particular order:

• The former owner of my house
• His mother
• The President of the United States
• Various members of Congress, whose names I don’t actually know, but whom I nicknamed
• Anyone whose name rhymes with a profanity
• Anyone whose name begins with the same first letter as a profanity, and thus can be alliterated
• My dogs
• The neighbors dogs
• Most of the zoo animals, particularly the primates
• Charles Darwin
• Martin Luther, for encouraging me to sin boldly
• Other historical figures, both Catholic and Protestant
• The Romans, for inventing aqueducts
• The residents of California
• The French (this is just a go-to for me)

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God.  On it you shall not do any work.”

  My new book is

  Hardwired: Finding the God You Already Know

  (Abingdon, 2013).